If you can't be with the one you love
by MrsHeleneSnape
Summary: Response to GrangerSnape100 'Lily' challenge. 2600 word, 4 part Drabble. What should Severus do if he can't be with the one he loves?
1. Chapter 1

Title: If you can't be with the one you love, loate the one you're with  
Team Name: Death Eaters (Spy)  
Word Count: 100 * 5  
Rating: NC-17  
Warnings: Angst, MLC, Adult situations  
Challenge: Lily Challenge  
Characters: Hermione/Severus  
Author's Note: I am not JKR. I do not own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this.

* * *

"Ugh!" he moaned as he pounded himself against his wife.

Hermione was practically folded in half, Severus' thrusts were that forceful. She tried to make their required congress as pleasant as possible, doing everything she discovered he liked, but it never seemed to be enough.

He resented the Ministry for passing that abomination of a Marriage Law and hated that had to marry Granger or suffer the whims of the marriage lottery. At least he had an intelligent wife. She was a Gryffindor for certain, but at least any children he might have been (blessed) cursed with wouldn't be dunderheads.

* * *

She ran her nails down his back, urging him harder, faster. She was so close. "Oh Severus! Right there, yes!" she whispered as she felt her orgasm rapidly approaching, her own arse flexing, struggling to hold back until he could join her in erotic release.

As she whispered to him, his gaze never wavered from its fixed position on the headboard. Whenever she would say "Severus look at me, please" a muscle in his jaw would twitch, and he'd become more forceful in the coupling as if he wanted to knock the breath out of her, make her shut up.

* * *

Theirs wasn't a love match by any stretch of the imagination, but Hermione did her best to make it work. After being his student for seven years, she knew what set him off. After seven months of marriage, she vaguely understood what made him tick. Where she knew him best was the bedroom.

Like any male, he enjoyed receiving oral sex. His cock was thick, long, and near impossible to take all into her mouth. He seemed to achieve a longer, stronger orgasm whenever he would jerk his hips while grasping her head, gagging her as he filled her mouth.

* * *

Buggery was his other favorite carnal activity which Hermione believed he enjoyed strictly for his own pleasure. He actually got off on it because he didn't have to see her face as they were rutting. He could muffle her voice by shoving her face into the pillows, finally silencing her constant nattering.

In order to maintain his erection for their required sexual congress, Severus refused to look at her. Every time he saw her, there was his former student. That destroyed any desire for having sex.

His body tightened as his orgasm drew closer; his cock twitching before he came.

* * *

Hermione thought each time "This time will be different. Perhaps he'll look at me as he comes." However, each time was exactly the same as the time before. Severus would slam into her one final time, and utter the one word which broke her heart each and every time she heard it slip from his mouth during their most intimate moments.

"Lily" he groaned as he spilled his seed deep within her.

Hermione gasped, bringing Severus' mind back to the present.

Severus looked at her, recoiling at the reality of engaging a woman he never wanted.

He left.

She wept.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Can Loathe Ever Become Love?  
Team Name: Death Eaters (Spy) – at least until the end of this challenge  
Word Count: 100 * 4  
Rating: Teen  
Challenge: Lily Challenge  
Characters: Hermione/Severus  
Warnings: Angst, MLC, Adult Situations  
Disclaimer: I am not JKR. I don't own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this fic.  
Summary: Short continuation of "If you can't be with the one you love..." Will Severus ever let their relationship become what Hermione wants it to be?

* * *

He was a complete and utter bastard. In the seven months he had been married to Hermione, he had never once seen her cry at his callousness. Last night he didn't see her openly weep, per se. He did, however, hear her gut wrenching sobs as he left the bedroom.

He sat in his chair by the fire, drinking Ogden's and pinching the bridge of his nose, willing the pounding in his head to cease. He had dealt with weepy Slytherin females before, but it was run of the mill hormonal teenaged angst. His problems with Hermione ran much deeper.

* * *

The next morning brought no clearer understanding of the situation to either one of them.

Severus knew that, at least on some level, Hermione found his personal restrictions on their relationship stifling and oppressive. He never spoke of his past. Although, Hermione knew a great deal already, mainly because of Potter's inability to keep his mouth shut about anything. Severus didn't want to open up to Hermione, or anyone for that matter. At every point in his life, whenever he had shown emotion or expressed a differing opinion, he had been rebuffed and ridiculed. He wouldn't allow that ever again.

* * *

Hermione had always prided herself on being able to overcome any obstacle, solve any problem. Severus was proving to be her largest difficulty to date. She didn't know how to go about encouraging someone to move on from the past. She was having enormous trouble doing that herself. Last night had almost driven Hermione past her bullshit limit. A woman can only take so much blatant rejection. Every time they had sex, Severus would throw it in her face that he was imagining her as someone else. What more could she possibly do? The Marriage Law gave no reasonable outs.

* * *

If Severus couldn't get himself off the wretchedly uncomfortable proverbial sofa, his life would end up being more miserable than if Voldemort had won. The only way to end vows taken under the Marriage Law was either repeal of said law or death of a spouse. Surviving Nagini gave Severus a new outlook on death. Therefore, he had no desire to end things that way. The law had no hope of ever being repealed. Not anytime in the near future. The only way his marriage would improve past the "acquaintances who shag" stage was if he let Lily Potter go.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: When It's Time to Let Go  
Team Name: Death Eaters (Spy)  
Word Count: 100 * 6  
Rating: Teen  
Challenge: Lily Challenge  
Characters: Hermione/Severus  
Warnings: Angst, Marriage Law ramblings, Adult Situations  
Disclaimer: I am not JKR. I don't own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this fic.  
Summary: What has Severus decided to do about their relationship?

* * *

"What the hell am I doing here?" Severus thought on a cold January morning. Perhaps he should rephrase that. He knew _what_ he was doing there, he just didn't _want_ to be there.

He was standing at the grave of Lily Potter, a stone's throw away from where she died, behind the new home of Harry and Ginevra Potter. He had come with a heavy heart and guilty conscience to do what had to be done. He could no longer bear the weight of Hermione's unhappiness. He was the direct cause of it, so he needed to make things right.

* * *

Hermione was worried. Severus never came back to bed. After their weekly congress, he would come to bed after she fell asleep. She awoke this morning to his bed side untouched. "Did he leave me? Was he finally sick of the charade?" Hermione was at a loss. She didn't want to live with another woman's ghost hovering over her marriage, but she didn't know what she could do to change things. She went into their sitting room, sat down in front of the fire and waited. She didn't know what she waited for. Perhaps an absolution, which wouldn't ever come.

* * *

Severus took another furtive glance at the Potter home before he cast a self disillusionment spell and silencing charm. He wanted no one to see what he was doing or hear the one-sided conversation he was about to have with a dead woman. He placed the tiger lilies on the well kept grave and knelt beside the marker, taking care not to disturb and of the grave's other adornments.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say, what he needed to say before he lost another chance at happiness with an incredible woman.

* * *

"Lily" he began wearily. "I think, on some level, I loved you from the first moment I saw you. You were my first true friend, a magical friend who helped me through a lot of my agonizing childhood. I protected your son while he was at Hogwarts, trying to do for him what I could not do for you." He reached out, touched her name and continued, "I hope you consider the life debt repaid." As he spoke, a wave of ancient magic washed over him, giving him a complete peace he had never before known and didn't quite understand.

* * *

"Thank you, Lily. Thank you for your friendship when I needed it, but most of all thank you for your understanding. As I'm certain you know, the Ministry has seen fit to meddle in my life and forced upon me a swotty, know-it-all wife. Can you imagine" he snorted "me with a wife? As asinine as it might be, she seems to care for me a great deal." He felt the emotion welling, choking him as he continued "and I've been nothing but a shite to her. I've got to tell her I'm sorry before it's too late."

* * *

"Goodbye Lily. I hope you have found peace on the other side of the Veil. You most assuredly deserve it." Severus gave Lily Potter's final resting place one last look and disapparated back to Spinner's End, where he and Hermione had been spending the Yule holiday prior to going to Hogwarts for the new term.

As he walked into their house, his stomach clenched with nerves and fear. He didn't know how to go about telling Hermione about his morning and his decision about their marriage, but he knew that he must. He called out "Hermione, we need to talk."


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Confessions of the Soul  
Team: Spy for the Dark Side  
Word Count: 100 * 11  
Rating: Mature  
Challenge: Lily  
Characters: Hermione/Severus  
Warnings: Angst angst angst, MLC, adult situations  
Disclaimer: I am not JKR. I do not own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this.

A/N: Have you ever written a fic that worked for you at the time of posting, then after the 5th, 6th, or 457th read, it no longer works? The previous version didn't sit well with my muse (who loudly protested the ending) so here's the re-work. Thanks for reading (and not Crucio-ing me for my flakiness pertaining to my wrap-up of the Lily challenge). I never expected this to turn into a four parter.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"_Hermione, we need to talk."_

His voice resonated throughout the house as he looked for her, calling out her name. When he reached the sitting room, he saw her curled into a ball on the fireplace hearth, stroking her cat, muttering to herself.

"It's all my fault Crooks. I can't be what he needs. I'll never be able to replace Lily Potter in his heart or mind. It hurts so badly, knowing he can never love me how I want and need." She began sobbing brokenly. "He despises me so much. I can't continue living this stupid lie any longer."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hermione" he whispered as he entered the room.

She apparently didn't hear him, as she directed her words to Crookshanks. "I've failed him...as a companion, lover, wife. I can't even carry on a conversation with him as he doesn't acknowledge when I'm speaking. I'll petition the Ministry...Hell, I'll break my wand if that's what it will take to be free of the agony of this farce. I can't believe that Severus was my only reasonable match from that required Marital Compatibility Test. Marrying him was a colossal mistake."

"You honestly believe our marriage was a mistake?" Severus queried.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Hermione stiffened at the unexpected sound of her husband's voice. "So, how much of my private conversation did you hear?" she asked, her voice dripping with disdain.

"All of it. You want to break your wand, give up your magic, just to be free of me?"

"Why not? I've done everything I can to be a good wife to you. I talk about things you're interested in. I keep our homes spotless, given that it's my fault we can't get house elf help. I even do everything you like in bed. Tell me Severus, what do my efforts get me?"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Severus winced as Hermione's voice became louder.

"ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!" she screamed at him as fresh tears tolled down her face. "I would rather live life as a muggle than to spend another moment in Lily Potter's shadow."

Severus' face paled at her revelation.

"Oh, yes. Did you think I wouldn't know whose name you call out when we're being intimate? She's been dead for nearly two decades and she still haunts you, which in turn torments me. What do you expect me to do? Keep running into the proverbial brick wall? I'll never be enough for you, will I?"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Severus finally found his voice around the knot of emotion in his throat, "I expect you to honor the bond we have. 'In good times, in bad times, and all other times in between'."

"Give me a reason why I should. Have you ever heard the term 'lusting in the heart'? That's exactly what you're doing whenever you think of Lily as you're with me. You've already broken **your** vows, so please get to the point already. I'd like to lie down if you don't mind. It's been a rather trying day. Make your point Severus and make it fast."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"I've been a complete and utter fool. You're right Hermione. I've given you nothing in return for you making the best of this. I'm not going to try and excuse any of my boorish behavior. All I can do is my best in earning your forgiveness. You think I haven't noticed all you do for me? My coffee is prepared how I like it before I'm even out of bed. My robes are always freshly laundered and starched. Our quarters are always clean and orderly. I've grown so accustomed to the everyday things. I'd be lost if you left me."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Why are you telling me this now Severus? After all this time, you decide to recognize that you have hurt me beyond words, and you want to make amends? Who do you think I am, some simpering Hufflepuff who will just blindly follow you when you say you were wrong? I could care less if you're finally getting it. Too little, too late in my opinion."

"There's no way to sever our bond except through death. That's what you want? You would kill yourself to keep from remaining bound to me?"

"Who says I would be the one to die?"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Severus was startled. "I'm sorry my short sightedness has led us here. I want to be the husband you need. Am I too late to fix my mistakes?"

"I wish I knew what to say to that. I could always leave the Wizarding world. I could snap my wand...live without magic."

Severus reached out and pulled her into an embrace "I'd have to snap my wand as well because I refuse to subject myself to the ridiculous marital lottery. Can we resolve to make our marriage work?"

"I wish that could be possible. I just don't think it can."

- - - - - - - - - - -

"I can't just give up my magic. It's like asking me to cease drawing breath. It's who I am and who you are. The compatibility test was not wrong and I'm an idiot for not realizing before now. Now that I removed my head from my arse, I understand why you would want to leave this farce of a marriage. Please stay. I can't undo the hurt I've caused, but I can vow there will be no one but you and I in my life and in our marriage." They felt the oath magic swirl around them, sealing Severus' vow.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Hermione sighed in relief. "I couldn't live in another woman's shadow any longer. I don't want our relationship to end up like my parents' did." Hermione recollects the screaming and arguments that arose from Hermione's deception, which ultimately drove her family apart.

"I don't want that for us either. I certainly don't want us to end up like my parents" Severus said grimly.

"What happened?" Hermione asked, seeking to understand him further.

"Nothing pleasant, believe me. They sniped and raged at one another until it drove them beyond the point of madness. I don't want us to end like that."

- - - - - - - - - - -

"Now that is resolved, I would like for us to be how we should've been all along" Hermione stated, her face in an unreadable expression.

Severus' eyebrow raised at her cryptic statement and he asked "What do you mean?"

"We should see this as a fresh start. Let's get to know one another properly."

"I should court you?"

Hermione snickered his outdated term "If that's what you call it, yes we should court. Perhaps later we could have a ceremony reflecting the renewal of our bond. What say you?"

"I say this could be a new start to something perfect."


End file.
